When your child is afraid to go to school.

There have been 18 instances of gun violence in schools since 2018 began, with the most recent being the violent school shooting in Parkland, Florida that took 17 lives on Valentine's Day.   Our schools which have always been thought of as safe havens for children have now become death traps.  When we send our children off in the morning we do not want to worry whether we will ever see them again.  But as more of these school shootings occur, our fears as parents increase, and our children's fears as well.

How can we reassure our children and help them to feel safe at school?

ADDRESS OUR OWN FEELINGS

One of the first things we need to do is address our own fears.  Children look to parents for reassurance so if we are in a state of panic that will only exacerbate their fears.  Recognize your own anxiety and find ways to manage it.  This may include feeling those feelings, talking with someone, and engaging in self care such as exercise, yoga or music.

TALK TO YOUR CHILD

In a world of social media, depending on the age of your child, you have to assume that they know what is going on.  Shielding them from the news and the realities of society is not realistic.  It is better for you to talk to them than them hearing things that may or may not be true and worrying on their own.  Be honest and straightforward, without graphic detail, about the events that occurred.

LISTEN

One of the mistakes parents make is trying too hard to come up with answers and reasons for everything without really just listening to our children.  Let them take the lead and talk about what they think and feel.  Be sure to answer any questions truthfully.  Validate the feelings they share with you.  Let them know that there are no right or wrong feelings but what is most important is that they are expressing them.

REASSURE THEM AS BEST YOU CAN

Explain that although you can't offer them any guarantees, schools are generally safe places.  Statistically speaking, it is still unlikely that you will be a victim.  Getting back to your routine of going to school and engaging in the daily activities of your life is important.   Be sure you and your child know the protocols of preparedness of your school and what the plan is, should you need it.

BE PROACTIVE

Turn off the news to decrease their exposure to the negative event.  Talk to your child about being aware of any red flags that they may encounter from other students at school or on social media and reporting it to authorities.  Depending on their age, they may want to get involved in school safety and the prevention of gun violence.  Feeling empowered is a good way to counter their fears.

If they express a real fear of going to school, including nightmares and a manifestation of physical symptoms, give them some time.  Let them know that you are there for them, and that you believe what they are experiencing is real.  If it continues, you may want to have them talk to the school social worker, psychologist or a professional outside of school.  Most importantly, tell them you love them and  hug them...a lot.

How can you mend a broken heart?

Can you mend a broken heart?  Many of us remember the Bee Gees song which told us of the impossibility of doing so.  But is there really such a thing as a broken heart? 

According to the American Heart Association, there is.  In a local interview with a California news station yesterday, Dr. Leon Feldman, prominent cardiologist at Eisenhower Desert Cardiology Center, says that broken heart syndrome is real.   “People present like they’re having a heart attack with chest pain, or heart rhythm troubles or difficulty breathing”.  He goes on to say, “after testing, however, we learn that there are no blockages of the arteries but rather an enlarged heart, which, with supportive care and medication will heal in time”.

As we have come to learn more about our mind/body connection, we understand the impact that an emotional trauma can have on us and how it can trigger physical symptoms of distress.  Our minds can affect how healthy our bodies are!  Each mental state has a physiology associated with it, which positive or negative effects are felt in the body.  Therefore if we become more conscious of our mental states, we can use awareness to guide us to a better, more positive sense of well being.

In other words, once we realize that what we feel is more emotional than physical (not a heart attack, but an emotionally bruised heart), we can utilize strategies to reduce stress and the physical symptoms it produces.

The loss of love is a painful, emotional trauma.  It will take time to feel like your heart is whole again.  Here are some steps you can take to heal:

Acknowledge your feelings.   The pain you feel is normal and real.  Allow yourself time to feel sad.

Try to get back to your routine.  Work, regular exercise and proper nutrition will help your body and your mind heal.

Don’t isolate.  Engage in activities with friends, family and co-workers.  A pet perhaps?

Breathe!  Simple breathing exercises slow your heart rate, relax your body and focus your mind.

Use music, meditation, reading or nature walks to feel connection.

Seek professional help.  If you have trouble with activities of daily living, for example, you can’t get out of bed, have endless crying spells and are having trouble fulfilling responsibilities, perhaps you should consider talking to someone.   You don’t have to go through this alone.

Know that your heart will heal in time and you will feel love again not just on Valentine’s Day but everyday. 

Post Holiday Blues?

So many people talk about January being the most depressing month of the year.  The excitement of the holidays is over and the depths of winter are upon us.  But what really are the post holiday blues and do we really dread them?

We think of the holidays as a time for family, togetherness and joy.  Sitting around the fire, roasting chestnuts and opening gifts.  And if the holidays are indeed a time for joy then surely when they pass and we get back to our ordinary, everyday lives we will feel a let down.  We may feel sad not knowing when we will see our grandchildren or grandparents again.  The excitement of looking forward to something has passed.

However, for many, the holidays can be a stressful and even painful time of year.  Few of us have “Brady Bunch” families, so seeing relatives that we either don’t like or we feel don’t like us can be far from joyful.  We may fear being judged by our life choices, our parenting styles or even more relevant, our political views.  Innocent talk or inquires can quickly lead to heated arguments and hurt feelings.  And with lots of alcohol around at such gatherings, those trying to stay sober may find it to be even more challenging.

Even navigating the scheduling of holiday events can be overwhelming.  For divorced parents it is particularly challenging with each parent trying to carve out special time with the children.  Not to mention the stress for the children of divorced parents as they try to divide up their holiday into little neat evenly divided pieces.

But most of all, for those that may feel cheated out of time with family for the holidays, who end up at the receiving end of apologies for not being able to get together, the holidays are filled with resentment, disappointment and loneliness.

Perhaps, the end of the holiday season is not full of blues but rather a time of relief, of honor for your accomplishment of getting through the season and moving ahead into the new year.

So as you move into 2018 here are a few things to consider:

1.    You made it! If your holidays were indeed joyful and fulfilling, take some time to reflect on that, acknowledge your feelings of sadness that it is over but also try to have gratitude for the wonderful experience you had.

2.    If your holidays fell short of your expectations, acknowledge your feelings, allow yourself time to feel disappointed but don’t beat yourself up.

3.    Get back to your routine.  Regular exercise, work and good nutrition are all important ways to get yourself moving forward.

4.    Make plans.  Plan fun activities with your kids, date night with your spouse and outings with friends.  Surround yourself with people that positively impact your life.  Connect with relatives that you want to see more than just at the holidays.

If you balance your life all year long, you will feel less pressure during the holiday’s to make it perfect because it only comes once a year!